


to climb a ladder to the sun

by tattooedsiren



Category: Suits (TV)
Genre: Character Study, Introspection, M/M, Vague Canon AU, a lot of feels and not a lot of plot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-23
Updated: 2017-04-23
Packaged: 2018-10-22 21:39:57
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,517
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10705662
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tattooedsiren/pseuds/tattooedsiren
Summary: Harvey knew the rules. Normally he only learned them so he’d know the best and most clever way to bend them, stretch and twist them to his liking but never quite break them.This was different. Mike was different.





	to climb a ladder to the sun

**Author's Note:**

> So you know when you're reading something - a book, a fic, an article, etc - and you come across a sentence so perfect and poignant and real it's like a physical hit to the chest? Well, I recently read one such book, and this fic is my attempt to live up to that one sentence. As such I tried to write in a style that is a bit different to my usual work. I procrastinated sending it to my beta for a long time and when she asked me why my response was 'i think because i tried to do something different, and i'm worried it either isn't that different at all, or it is but it sucks.' But I finally sent it and my dear Alli looked over it and assured me that it was both a different style to my normal and that it didn't suck, so I'm now sharing it with you guys. I so hope you enjoy it, because I worked really hard on this one. :O)
> 
> (also obligatory PSA: please do not put my fics on goodreads. thanks)

Comfortable seemed like an odd choice of word when describing the fast paced, high flying life of Harvey Specter, Junior Partner and best closer in the city. But that’s what it was.

Yes, his life was busy, and intense, and he was constantly going from one crisis to the next. But he loved it. This, he knew how to do.

If asked how he could feel so comfortable in such an insane life, Harvey would probably answer that it was because he knew himself. Too many people don’t know what they’re made of, don’t know what they actually want, and so they flail around, too insecure and unsure to test their mettle, too scared of figuring out who they actually are in case they don’t like what they find.

Not Harvey. Self awareness can have the potential to be a curse but he decided long ago that it was better to know and accept who he was than to be uncertain and malleable and end up in situations he didn’t want. (His mother might not have been good for much, but she taught him that much at least).

And then came Mike Ross.

Suddenly, comfortable seemed like such a ridiculous word.

 

 

*

 

 

Harvey hired Mike for his brains, his daring, and a determination the likes of which Harvey had never seen. He focused on all the ways Mike could help him win, the fun they could have messing with the system, the thrill of danger at trying to not get caught.

He didn’t hire Mike for the flicker of indeterminate feelings he felt low in his belly when Mike smiled at him like Harvey was giving him the world and he wanted to genuflect and throw petals at Harvey’s feet in gratitude.

That didn’t mean he didn’t feel it though.

 

 

*

 

 

Harvey couldn’t name this feeling because it wasn’t something he had experienced before.

It wasn’t Mike’s gender that was the cause of confusion. Though he never bothered to define himself in any way there had been stray thoughts and idle fantasies before, and maybe even the occasional semi drunk grope at Harvard with a person of the same sex. He didn’t ignore the issue as a point of denial. It just didn’t matter. It didn’t matter if he was attracted to both sexes, because if he wanted the career that he was building to last he knew there wasn’t much of a choice; if he wanted to settle down with someone he knew who that someone would be. Hint: not a male. But that was okay, because Harvey wasn’t the _get attached have feelings settle down_ kinda guy anyway.

It was all a moot point, and as a lawyer, he knew all about moot points.

But this, Harvey didn’t know anything about this, about the way he wanted to reach out and touch Mike, just to make sure he was real. He didn’t understand why when on the occasional moments he allowed himself to fantasize about Mike, it vacillated from images of mouths and hands and cocks to spending a lazy Sunday morning tangled in Harvey’s rumpled sheets, the summer sun streaming through the windows. He didn’t know why he wanted to drop everything and run every time Mike called, desperate and scared and so very sorry because he’d fucked up again and only Harvey could save him.

And most of all he didn’t understand why he wasn’t just saying fuck it and pinning Mike to the nearest available surface.

 

 

*

 

 

Harvey knew the rules. Normally he only learned them so he’d know the best and most clever way to bend them, stretch and twist them to his liking but never quite break them.

This was different. Mike was different.

Harvey didn’t know why. The vehemence with which he wanted Mike should’ve made him throw caution to the wind, made him discard every notion he’d ever had about doing the right thing. And yet, for some reason, he did his best to keep Mike at arms length, to push him away, to brace the long held walls that were trembling beneath the power of Mike’s presence.

And every time his brusqueness caused a flicker of hurt in Mike’s eyes he did his best to deal with it. Pain was a necessary evil in this life. One he could endure.

 

 

*

 

 

Harvey didn’t know how Mike felt, but he suspected.

It was in the way that Mike _wouldn’t_ look at him. Mike would stare when the moment felt important and get in Harvey’s face when he was angry and give him the puppy eyes when he wanted something. Those were signs, true, but what really allowed Harvey to consider that maybe Mike felt something too wasn’t the way he looked at him, but the way in which he looked away. Always with a resigned sigh, like he was looking for something and was sad he couldn’t find it, or with an anxious look when he thought he’d pressed too hard and given himself away, or with a faint blush high on his cheeks that spoke in volumes.

It should’ve given him comfort. He should've been empowered by it. He wasn’t. It was simply a reminder of the feelings he’d never known before and didn’t particularly want to be introduced to now.

Being attracted to someone was fine. He could handle that. What he couldn’t handle was this: this all consuming and inescapable _want_ , the desire to be someone he wasn’t just to be worthy of someone who was so much better than him, the way his brain had almost seemed to recalibrate to the point where everything circled back to _Mike, Mike, Mike_.

 

 

*

 

 

Harvey didn’t realise how well ordered and finely constructed his life was until Mike’s presence completely upended it.

He’d been molding himself with such finesse towards a certain end goal for so long, he didn’t know why he was surprised that he didn’t even have time to enjoy it before it all came crashing down around him.

 

 

*

 

 

The biggest changes can come from the smallest movements, like the drop of a pebble into a life sized pond, the ripples determined not by the size of the pebble but its weight.

Harvey thinks that the weight of Mike is so great that it has split his life into two: before and after they met.

Mike sat on Harvey’s couch, his sock clad feet tucked underneath him, looking smaller than Harvey thought was possible. Mike still looked beautiful, even like this, and the thought made Harvey hate himself a little more.

He slowly lowered himself, kneeling on the floor in front of Mike, looking up at him in a way that was familiar and new all at once. Harvey had spent the better part of two days assuring Mike that everything would be fine, words he wanted to believe more than he probably did. He was always too pragmatic, all signs pointing to Grammy’s health giving out for good sooner rather than later, and he had nothing he could give Mike to make him feel better other than some kind words and busywork to distract him, even if only temporarily. So that’s what he’d done, for two whole days, until Mike had turned up on his doorstep late that night, all pale skin and red rimmed eyes and vibrating with terror that Grammy might never be the same, and Harvey had finally relented, letting Mike in.

So there he was, crouched down on the floor, and because words had clearly failed Harvey did the only thing he could. The one thing he had avoided since the moment they met. He reached out and touched.

It was nothing really. Featherlight, his fingers curled around Mike’s, something that shouldn’t have mattered in the grand scheme of things. But it did.

Mike looked up, his eyes boring into Harvey’s.

Willpower. Strength of character. Refusing to cross uncrossable lines. All of these threatened to crumble beneath the power of Mike’s bright blue gaze.

And all Harvey could think was that the world would never be the same.

 

 

*

 

 

Things changed after that night.

Harvey wasn’t sure what exactly it was. If it was the night itself: Harvey offering comfort with a physical touch, letting Mike sleep in his bed (alone of course, the sofa was quite comfortable), eating breakfast together in quiet domesticity. Or was it something more, a gradual buildup from the day they met, like in the cartoon he caught Mike watching after Harvey showered and dressed for the day, a snowball rolling down a mountain and doubling in size at every turn.

But Harvey felt things racing to their inevitable conclusion, and the thought both terrified and exhilarated him.

 

 

*

 

 

Harvey wished that they’d met under different circumstances.

Every book he read, every movie he watched, every story he heard, they all became the basis for his latest fantasy of how things could’ve been different. They were tourists at a coastal french town who met by accident and spent the summer season together, a passionate fling before parting ways to different parts of the world. Mike was a townie when Harvey was at Harvard - he worked at Harvey’s favorite off campus coffee shop, and they were together for years before New York swallowed Harvey up, never to return. Mike was an actual lawyer and they met at a conference, having an unforgettable night together full of amazing conversations and steamy sex before retreating to their separate coasts.

Every idea was different and yet they were all the same: they were together for a short but amazing time before they each went back to their own lives.

Because the truth of it was, he was happy before he met Mike. He really was. It was nothing like how his life was now, but if he had’ve gone his whole life without meeting Mike he never would’ve even considered that something was amiss. But through a frankly ridiculous set of circumstances they somehow both found their way into that hotel room, and things couldn’t ever go back to how they were. He knew better than that now.

He wished one of his fantasies was the truth. That he could have had Mike, known his body, felt his mouth on his skin, that he could have pressed into Mike and heard Mike’s sigh of relief at finally no longer being apart. And in that moment he would’ve proclaimed without a word of a lie that he never wanted to leave.

But leave he would, and in the end he’d look back with nothing but fondness.

Mike is the type of person who is meant to burn bright and fast in Harvey’s life, like the white light from burning magnesium that hurts your eyes to look at but you can’t look away because it’s so beautiful. Harvey didn’t know how to handle the slow burn of Mike, the one that lasted beyond weeks, who seemed to have enough light to burn for months, years, maybe even lifetimes.

He could handle a quick yet profound love affair. Instead he gets this: spending twelve to sixteen hours together each day but going home alone, having dozens of conversations per day but most of them about work, warm smiles and looks of utter fondness that Harvey can’t return even if he wanted to.

He gets a life that is infinitely more full and considerably more empty than it was before.

 

 

*

 

 

When Harvey woke that morning he didn’t know, had no inkling, that today was going to be the day. _The Day_. If he had he might’ve done the unthinkable and called in sick for the first time in seven years.

But he didn’t know, and so he went into work looking forward to having Mike by his side when he killed it during his closing arguments.

The verdict wasn’t a given, but it wasn’t a surprise either. Their client was sufficiently grateful and wanted to take them out for drinks afterwards. Normally Harvey would have declined, but this was one of the few clients he actually liked, and Mike was looking so happy, nodding enthusiastically along with the suggestion, so Harvey relented.

It was worth it for seeing Mike’s eyes, wide with wonder and a dash of incredulity, when they walked into one of the most opulent and exclusive bars in the city.

They piled into a corner booth and ordered delicious liquor and an entree sized plate of food that cost more than most other restaurant bills. Harvey sipped at his drink, aware of the dangers of becoming liberated by too much alcohol when Mike was beside him, jacket off and sleeves rolled up and pressing into Harvey like it was a right that belonged to him and him alone.

The client left half an hour in - _urgent phone call, you know how it goes, thanks for everything you two, drink up it’s on me_ \- and when Harvey suggested they leave too Mike wrapped his fingers around Harvey’s wrist and said _stay_.

Harvey felt his skin burn beneath Mike’s touch and he wished that this was how they met - in the dark corner of a bar, where anything was permissible and this was all they were, two men finding the one thing they didn’t know they were looking for.

Harvey stayed, submitting wilfully to his fate, and twenty minutes later Mike kissed him.

Harvey would’ve liked to have blamed it on the alcohol but it would be disingenuous and unkind to do so. The truth was that they were both far too sober for this to be anything other than real, and when Mike started to slowly close the gap between them, Harvey didn't stop him.

He knew as soon as it happened that this was how it was always meant to be. That the push/pull of their relationship would eventually snap under the pressure. Harvey was never going to be able to be the one to make the first move, for reasons too many and varied to enumerate, but chief among them was this: if Harvey never kissed Mike, if Mike kissed him first, then he could pretend that it was all Mike’s idea, that it had nothing to do with him, that he could accept it or reject it and he wasn’t the one who changed things either way, Mike was. He could pretend it wasn’t something that he wanted with every fiber of his being, that he hadn’t felt the change Mike had brought to him right from the moment they met down to the very marrow of his bones. He could believe, if only for a moment, that it wasn’t wrong, and that this, this was what they were meant for all along.

But the moment their mouths touched, an idle and barely there press of lips, Harvey pulled away. He couldn’t do this, not now, maybe not ever. It was by no means his best moment, but he stood up and walked away.

 

 

*

 

 

He’d never felt so uncomfortable in his own home. He felt like a stranger in his skin, unable to take pleasure in things he’d enjoyed mere days before. Nothing was making sense and he knew it was his fault but he’d felt powerless to stop it.

Powerless. Another word that had totally changed its meaning since he met Michael James Ross.

Harvey had never felt truly powerless before. When he was a teenager and life as he knew it collapsed on itself with one pitch and a trip to the emergency room, he felt angry, at the world but mostly at himself. It didn’t even occur to him to feel stripped of any agency on his life because all the plans he had were suddenly up in smoke. He was just a bundle of hormones and nothing more.

A few years later when he discovered the truth of his parents’ marriage he did what he had to do. Any other child would’ve run, would’ve ignored the truth, done anything to keep their parents together. Not Harvey. He cared about his dad more as a person than a parent, and so he told Gordon a truth he didn’t want to hear.

But Mike, Mike made Harvey feel powerless in a way no one else ever had. It was like all those times in his life where he could have felt powerless and didn’t were collapsing down on him now, a lifetime's weight of feeling defenseless pressing down on his chest until Harvey couldn’t breathe with it.

His fingers were tingling and his heart was pounding and his legs gave out from under him, right there in the middle of his kitchen.

 

 

*

 

 

The worst of it wasn’t catching Mike’s face start to fall as he got up and left him alone in the bar, nor was it the panic attack and sleepless nights and days of wandering aimlessly around his own apartment feeling utterly listless that followed.

It was the silence. It was pretending he wasn’t hoping for Mike to turn up on his doorstep and demand answers Harvey didn’t know how to give. It was trying to tell himself that he wasn't disappointed by the continued quiet. And it was having to go back to work as though none of it had ever happened.

 

 

*

 

 

Mike was the most surprising person Harvey had ever met. Every time he thought he had Mike worked out, he did something truly unexpected, and it was like meeting him again for the first time.

In truth he’d expected some kind of reaction upon their first meeting come Monday morning. A flinch, a shock of recognition, a flash of hurt. Something. Anything. But no, Mike just smiled and asked if he had a nice weekend and acted like nothing had changed.

And that’s when Harvey realized. Nothing had changed. Not really. It was just a few seconds in a lifetime of billions of moments, and if they didn’t want it to it didn’t have to matter.

So Harvey lied, said he had a great weekend, made up lunches with friends and bullshitted his way through a review of a movie that was currently out and he hadn’t actually seen. The words felt like ash in his mouth but he kept going, a masochistic impulse to prove just how fine he was, even though he wasn’t fine at all, and didn’t think he would be again.

 

 

*

 

 

Harvey couldn’t even use platitudes, comfort himself with phrases like _you don’t know what you’ve got til it’s gone_ , because the truth was he fucking knew exactly what he had. And in trying to prevent himself from losing it he ended up losing it all the sooner.

They both tried to pretend like everything was okay, that this was normal, that that one moment didn’t have the power to completely alter their lives.

Here was something else he had learned: he should never try and become an actor.

 

 

*

 

 

Contrary to what was a generally held belief, Harvey didn’t agree that there was a thin line between love and hate. He believed there was a gaping chasm the size of the grand canyon between love and hate. And the same held true for the line between friendship and love, at least, love of a romantic, sexual, and/or soulmate variety.

If the difference between friendship and love was as fine as people thought he surely would've tripped and fallen in love with someone in his life before now. His childhood best friend, Christopher, who was a safe haven when his dad was on tour and his mother was being her usual cold self, and with whom Harvey spent entire summers, right up until he graduated high school. Or maybe Scottie, smart and beautiful, always pushing his buttons and the most exciting and adventurous sexual partner he’d ever had. Or Donna, his pillar of strength through some of his most trying times, someone who has helped him get to where he was, who was always by his side with her unwavering faith.

He could - maybe even should - have fallen in love with any of these people. But he didn’t. And now he knew why.

 

 

*

 

 

Mike is a lightning bolt that Harvey knows can’t strike twice. And it’s unfair to ask that of him.

Harvey’s life changed irrevocably the moment Mike walked into his life, with his messy hair and ill fitting suit and briefcase full of a potential ten to twenty in jail. It was the kind of profound change that turned everything upside down, and despite how badly Harvey messed things up, he would always be grateful for that. No matter what happened, how this ended - because there’s no way this wouldn’t end, one way or another, because everything always did - he would always be grateful that Mike found him that day.

 

 

*

 

 

Harvey had never had any particular problem with gambling. He was good at it. Hell, half the reason he’d ascended to the rank of Senior Partner was because he had the smarts and the belief and the strength to back himself, to go all in when others would shy away.

He never thought there would come a time when he’d look at his cards and fold. He never even conceived of the idea that there was something he wasn’t willing to gamble on. Turned out there was.

Unfortunately for him, it was his heart.

 

 

*

 

 

Harvey should’ve known that the moment he stopped thinking Mike was going to turn up on his doorstep one day, unannounced and uncertain, was when it would actually happen.

It had been months since the ill fated near kiss, days where it was all he could think about mingled in with times where things between them were so right and so normal that Harvey forgot that it had even happened. It wasn’t that he regretted not allowing himself to give in to the moment as such, but there was still a small part of him that wanted to be the type of person who could let themselves submit to the one thing he wanted at the cost of everything else. He wanted to say that this was what he wanted, and that a lifetime of issues and neurosis didn’t matter, that all the plans and visions he had for his life being obliterated in the blink of an eye didn’t matter. That he could apply the thrill he loved from walking the razor's edge in his work life to his personal life.

And so when Mike stood there, looking at him like he was, Harvey wanted to give in, to submit, to hand himself over to Mike with nothing but a whispered plea for Mike to carry him with care.

Mike wanted to know why. He wanted to know why Harvey kept pushing him away when he so clearly felt what Mike felt. Harvey tried deflection - it didn’t work that well - and then Mike stopped trying to convince Harvey of their mutual feelings and just stood there, eyes sad and dejected when he asked _Why do you hate me so much?_

Harvey felt the words like a physical hit to the solar plexis. He honestly never meant all the evasion and pretense to come across as contempt. And it broke him.

So he gave up. And told Mike the truth.

_I don’t. Quite the contrary, in fact._

Harvey had always believed that Mike deserved every good thing in this life, and even if that couldn’t include Harvey then he would at least do Mike the courtesy of speaking the truth, even if only for one night. So when Mike asked if Harvey felt something for him, he replied with a yes. When Mike wanted to know why they couldn’t be together Harvey reminded him of the employment agreement he signed when he started his tenure at Pearson Hardman that explicitly forbids romantic and/or sexual relationships between employees of different ranks.

Mike’s scoff was dismissive, and he pointed out that Harvey never cared about the rules before, that if he did they wouldn’t even be standing there having this conversation because Harvey would’ve dismissed Mike from that hotel room and they never would have seen each other again. Harvey’s silence said it all, and as much as he would’ve liked to he couldn’t even be mad that Mike knew him so well, that he could see through him in ways no one had ever been able to.

Harvey’s lack of a response must’ve clicked something into place for Mike, because his expression widened and he took a step forward towards Harvey. _You don’t care about the rules now. You’re just using them as an excuse not to pursue this. Why?_

Harvey didn’t want to tell Mike the truth. Mike might’ve figured it out for himself eventually anyway, but if he didn’t Harvey didn’t want to give Mike more power over him than he already had. But he was also sick of the lies, both outright and by omission, he was sick of the evading and all the pretending, so he took a deep breath and looked Mike in the eyes and confessed the truth.

_This could ruin me._ You _could ruin me._

One more step and Mike was right in Harvey’s space, bold and unrepentant, like that was where he belonged and good luck to anyone who tried to remove him. _I’d never do that._ Earnest, sincere, eyes boring into Harvey’s so he would believe the words so easily said.

_Maybe you wouldn't mean to, but you could. The truth is you’re the only person in the world I love enough who could do it. And the worst of it is, I’d let you._

If Harvey had expected anything at all it would’ve been more words. Words were something they both knew, was something they were good at, both individually and together. Harvey had never felt conversation flow as freely, felt so at ease with another person, as he had with Mike. It was one of the reasons he fell in love with him. Despite sometimes saying the contrary, he wanted to hear Mike talk, wanted to peek into his amazing mind and see how it worked, wanted to know every stray thought that danced through his mind.

But Mike had clearly had enough of words. The feel of his fingers as they curled around the back of his neck was like seeing a lake after wandering in the desert for weeks on end. He felt every point where their skin touched like a brand, and he wanted it, wanted a mark to remind himself that this was real, that Mike was real. Mike pressed their foreheads together and Harvey closed his eyes, exhaling deeply.

_I’m not giving up on you, on us._

The words were a whispered promise that Harvey couldn’t help but believe. And when Mike tipped his head forward, capturing Harvey’s mouth in a kiss, his lips soft and his tongue warm when it dipped into Harvey’s mouth, Harvey didn’t pull away. He kissed back.

It felt like coming home.

 

 

*

 

 

It wasn’t that Harvey had one foot out the door. He was an all in guy, in this as in all things. But he couldn’t help but brace himself the entire time, waiting for Mike to realize what a mistake he’d made, to figure out that Harvey wasn’t as great as he thought, dreading the day Mike left.  
But it never seemed to happen.

They were supposed to take things slow, but neither of them were particularly surprised when that didn’t last. Barely a week later Harvey found himself in Mike’s bedroom - if you could even call this tiny alcove with no actual door a bedroom - slowly stripping Mike out of his shirt as he licked into his mouth.

Mike had taken him to a dive of a restaurant he swore Harvey would love. And Harvey trusted Mike, for things both small and big, so he met Mike in a Brooklyn neighbourhood he’d never before stepped foot in, and the food was some of the best he’d ever had. But that paled in comparison to the way Mike looked at him across the table, bright and open and with a smile the likes of which Harvey had never seen.

When Mike shyly invited Harvey back to his place afterwards, Harvey kissed him in answer.

Harvey took unprecedented delight in stripping away Mike’s layers. Every newly exposed patch of skin was a revelation, and Harvey worshipped accordingly, his mouth and hands gliding over the skin greedily. He was so focused on his task he didn’t realise that he’d gotten Mike naked before he himself had removed a single piece of clothing. He only realised when Mike had laughed, and he’d lifted his head from where he’d been kissing the base of Mike’s throat. Mike took his face into his gentle hands, said _Your turn_ , and then Harvey was suddenly on his back, Mike straddling his hips and grinning down at him as he undid the buttons on Harvey’s shirt.

There was something so inherently pure about the feeling of skin on skin, and the way they wrapped themselves around each other, Mike in Harvey’s lap and their arms around each other as they kissed lazily. Harvey didn’t believe in heaven or hell, only this life and making as much of an impact in what little time you had, but if he did believe in heaven he thinks it would feel like this: Mike’s hand braced to Harvey’s chest and his eyes fluttering closed in pleasure as he sunk down and their bodies became one.

Harvey was familiar with the sensation of breathlessness but it had never felt like this before, like it was a pleasure to savour. Every time his lungs contracted he breathed Mike in, and whenever he breathed out his chest pressed into Mike’s. Everything was about Mike. He felt Mike everywhere as their bodies moved together, too perfect to even be real, and Harvey was happily drowning in it.

Mike whispered words into his ear that were equal parts dirty talk and terms of endearment: words of encouragement and love and sex, telling Harvey how perfect he felt, how much Mike wanted him. Harvey had never heard someone talk so dirty in a way that didn’t sound in any way cliche or ridiculous, but Mike rolled the words off his tongue with such ease it could only mean that he meant every word. And then, one breath later, he’d utter a sentence so sweet Harvey wanted to cry with it. And for the first time in his life words failed him and all he could do in response was push in that much deeper, kiss Mike that much harder.

The pleasure of his orgasm was nothing to how amazing it felt to watch Mike’s, to see his flushed face contort just so, to feel his muscles tense beneath Harvey’s hands, to feel his release on Harvey’s skin. Mike collapsed onto him, their slick skin sliding together as they caught their breath, and when Harvey had the strength he rolled them over, trailing a row of kisses along Mike’s jaw line, under his chin, on his temple and closed eyelids and smiling lips.

He might have already told Mike that he loved him, but he didn’t want to say it again now. Mike deserved better than the post coital cliche of those three little words. Instead he pressed his mouth to Mike’s ear and told him a truth a thousand times more significant.

_I’d give you anything in this world it was in my power to give._

Harvey couldn’t see it, but he knew Mike was smiling. Mike’s arms wrapped around him and he whispered, _Good, because the only thing I want is you._

_Then I’m yours._

 

 

*

 

 

One of the many reasons Harvey was reluctant to take this step, to move from friends and colleagues to lovers, was because he knew things would change. And honestly, he didn’t want that. He didn’t want to lose the thing that made him and Mike so great; that spark, charge, sizzle of something indescribable whenever the two of them were in the same room.

And he’d been right to worry, because lose it they did. Things had changed, and sometimes he missed the old them, mourned for that relationship that had meant so much to him.

But he’d been so focused on what they were going to lose that what he’d never taken into consideration was what he was going to gain.

He’d never thought about how it would feel to know someone was in his corner, one hundred percent, had his back no matter what. He never considered how it would feel to stop coming home alone, to have his apartment filled with love and laughter. He never even conceived of how right just the simple act of waking up with someone, every day, would make him feel.

So yes, he lost something that day, when he threw caution to the wind and kissed Mike for the first time. And it was worth every loss and more.

 

 

*

 

 

When the time came for Harvey to officially meet Edith, he felt more nervous than he did arguing with a professor at Harvard or going up against a formidable lawyer or trying to persuade a judge of an argument that was tenuous at best. Hell, he felt more nervous than all those things combined.

Harvey had never met her, but they’d spoken once, not long after Mike started working for him. She’d called Mike’s desk, and because he was at Mike’s cubicle and Mike was scrolling through a document looking for something for Harvey he didn’t want Mike distracted in any way, so he picked up the phone as soon as it rang. Her voice was warm and maternal, even after Harvey had said Mike couldn’t come to the phone, and despite how busy they were he still stayed on the line and talked to her for a few minutes.

That felt like a lifetime ago now.

Mike held his hand as they walked into Edith’s room. She smiled brightly at them, and Harvey couldn’t help but be struck by the similarities between her smile and Mike’s. Mike pressed a kiss to her forehead and formally introduced them, Edith holding out her hand and Harvey taking it in both of his as he warmly told her how happy he was to meet her.

They took her out to dinner at one of her favourite restaurants. It was a lovely evening, and as the time went by his nerves slowly melted away. In fact, he started to revel in Edith’s presence. His mother had never been a particularly maternal presence, even before she destroyed their family not only by her betrayal of Harvey’s father but by the unthinkable request she made of Harvey that he would never be able to forgive her for. But Edith - Grammy, as she insisted on being called - she exuded affection and kindness while still having a sharp wit and an amazing bullshit detector. And Mike being the way he was suddenly made more sense than it ever had before.

Harvey felt a privilege he never expected to feel. Because Mike, who had suffered such loss at so young an age, should’ve grown up hating the world for what it did to him. But he didn't. He was raised by an amazing woman and became the type of man who wanted to help every person he met. And someone with a heart that big could’ve bestowed it upon any of the more worthy candidates who crossed his path, but he didn’t. He’d given his heart to Harvey, and it was a treasure Harvey would protect with his life.

After dinner they dropped Grammy home with promises to visit again soon, before heading back to Harvey’s place. As soon as they were in the door Mike’s mouth was on his, and he tried to smile and tell Harvey how happy he was and kiss Harvey all at once, and more incredibly somehow managed to do so. They stripped each other of their layers as they moved across the apartment, and once naked Mike maneuvered them not to the bed as he was anticipating but instead to Harvey’s shower.

Harvey had no objections, and as soon as the water was at the right temperature they stepped in, laughing. Harvey’s bathroom was pretty opulent and the shower was no exception so there was plenty of room, not that it mattered with the way their bodies were plastered together as they kissed, water sluicing down their skin. The feel of wet and warm skin was more erotic than it had any right to be, and it wasn’t long before Harvey was turning Mike and pressing him to the tiles, kissing from his neck down along his spine until he got to Mike’s ass.

There was nothing Harvey loved so much as taking Mike apart. He was addicted to it, and his absolute favourite thing was finding new ways to make Mike shiver and moan. The sounds Mike made as Harvey licked him open sounded different as they reverberated around the small space, muffled by the tiles Mike was pressed against, drowned out by the sound of running water. It just made him more determined. He didn’t stop, didn’t even care about anything as inconsequential as breathing, all his focus was on Mike. And when Mike’s muscles tensed beneath Harvey’s hands as he fell apart Harvey felt the high almost as if it was his own.

It took a moment for Harvey to gather the strength to stand, but when he did he ducked under the full spray of the shower, quickly scrubbing at his face and washing out his mouth before he returned to Mike, who still hadn’t moved as he panted against the wall. Harvey plastered himself to Mike’s back, arms braced on either side, and they just breathed together.

_I don’t think I can remember my own name._

Harvey chuckled, trailing a series of open mouthed kisses along Mike’s shoulders. Mike turned his head and their kiss was incredibly sweet considering what they’d just done.

_What do you want?_ Mike rasped, and Harvey, like always when it came to Mike, needed nothing and wanted everything all at once. He didn’t reply, just pressed between Mike’s thighs and started moving. Mike reached back, sliding his fingers through Harvey’s wet hair, urging Harvey on. Not that he needed it. He was so far gone already it barely took any time at all before Harvey called Mike’s name as he came.

After they washed themselves down and stumbled out of the shower, they barely bothered drying themselves before falling into bed.

_I think that went well_. At Harvey’s look Mike laughed and added, _I meant meeting Grammy_. And because he couldn’t help himself he added a soft _idiot_ , which just made Harvey grin all the more.

_I think so too. Hopefully she approves of me._

Mike looked indulgently at him. Sometimes Harvey felt like half their relationship was Mike looking at him like that, with fondness and just a dash of condescension, as though he couldn’t understand how Harvey was completely in awe of this thing between them. As though for Mike it was as natural and inevitable as breathing. He didn’t mind. It helped, in fact, that Mike was so certain about this.

_Harvey, Grammy has loved you since the day you saved me from a life of nothingness. The day I told her we were together she practically wept tears of joy. Trust me, you have her blessing._

There wasn’t anything to say to that. Not one sentence could possibly express what having her approval meant. So instead Harvey pressed his mouth to Mike’s in a chaste kiss, and they fell asleep, bodies tangled together in a way that should’ve felt claustrophobic but didn’t. On the contrary. Harvey had never felt more free.

 

 

*

 

 

When looking back on things Harvey knew that this was how it was always going to go. That they were always meant for this, and that even knowing that fact it still wouldn’t have changed how Harvey reacted, the way he kept Mike at arms length for so long. There could be no other way for this to play out.

He didn’t lament the lost time, for he still had more time with someone he was utterly in love with and completely committed to than he ever thought he would.

Change was constant, if slow. He sometimes wondered the ways in which he and Mike were different from all the other couples out there, if their story was really that unique or if there were only so many variables available in the story of two people finding each other, and so, in the end, their story was the same as everyone else’s.

But then Harvey would wake up one morning, Mike sleeping soundly beside him, and he’d run his fingertips through Mike’s hair, coaxing him to wakefulness, and when he’d finally open those brilliant blue eyes he’d smile at Harvey like his day had already been made. And Harvey would think that there was no way he could conceive of anyone else’s story being even remotely like theirs.

It wasn’t perfect. They fought over things both big and small, they had to manage the fallout at work when their relationship was revealed, they had to deal when the baggage they both carried occasionally reared its ugly head.

It wasn’t perfect, but it was real, and that meant more than anything else.

The quiet moments were the ones that Harvey favoured. As much as he enjoyed going out on the town and showing Mike off, as much as he loved surprising Mike with a trip to Tahiti just because he could, as fun as it was destroying opposing counsel with the power of their combined efforts, none of that could top the quiet moments that were just theirs. Mike forcing himself out of bed early on a Sunday morning just so he could join Harvey in the shower. Harvey coming home to find Mike had cooked Harvey’s favourite meal for dinner. The way Harvey’s apartment gradually changed as more and more of Mike’s belongings made their way over until they realised they were actually living together. Harvey being called out for an early meeting but then coming home, stripping off in their bedroom and waking Mike with his hands and mouth. Talking about marriage in a way that didn’t make Harvey tense and flashback to childhood days in an unhappy house, but instead made him smile and think about where in their apartment he could hide a ring if he decided it was going to be him who proposed (because at that point it wasn’t a question of if but when they would get engaged).

There were still days when Harvey thought that this wouldn’t last, that Mike would leave him, that he couldn’t have this amazing relationship. But those times became fewer and far between as time passed, and whenever he felt that way Mike usually did something to reassure Harvey without him even realising it (like when he’d emerge out of their walk-in wearing Harvey’s old and faded Harvard tee, or when he’d call up Marcus and organise a surprise visit, or when he’d stay late at the office to help Harvey even after Harvey had said he could go, just so they could catch a cab home together when he was ready).

Harvey accomplished a lot in his life, reaching long set out goals and ascending to heights even he dared dream not of. But he was never so proud of anything he did as much as he was proud of himself for standing in front of Mike that day and deciding to say yes, let’s give this a try, let's spend the rest of our lives loving each other or die trying.

It was a decision he never regretted, not for a single solitary moment. It was the best decision he ever made.

 

 

*

 

 

If you’d have asked Harvey, even up until the very hour that he met Mike, what one word he wouldn’t want used to describe his life, that word would be ordinary.

He’d never wanted safe or typical. Couldn’t see why anyone would. Who ever dreams of an ordinary life?

It took a while, years in fact, but he eventually realised that he had that life that so many dreamed of. And not because of the beautiful three bedroom apartment overlooking Central Park that they lived in, not because he could have the best of what the city offered, not because when they needed a break they could fly to one of the three other homes Harvey had scattered around the country and just completely forget that the world outside of them existed.

But simply because he could leave work at a decent hour and come home to his amazing husband and beautiful baby boy and live the quiet but fulfilling life most people never could.

Harvey had an ordinary life which he completely loved. He was genuinely and incandescently happy. And that, in and of itself, was completely extraordinary.

**Author's Note:**

> [tumblr](http://tattooedsiren.tumblr.com/) if you wanna say hi. :O)


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